ADVICE ON HANDLING DEATH
Hattiesburg Ward Relief Society Panel Discussion
October 2001
(Linda N. Jackson)


I. Prepare for a death in your own family by living the gospel each day.

   A. Become a prayerful person
   B. Be thankful for all things, even the 'bad' things that come your way
   C. Become a forgiving person - forgive yourself and forgive others
   D. Become a cheerful person - look for joy every day
   E. Cultivate healthy relationships
   F. Refrain from criticizing others
   G. Attend church meetings regularly

II. Be prepared to reach out and serve those who have lost loved ones.

   A. Forget profound words of wisdom and fancy clichés

      1. If you have lost a family member, you can say, "I know how you
feel." If you have not lost a family member, you can say, "I'm sorry."
Anything more than this is not necessary. Pretty-sounding words don't
offer comfort except to the person who says them, but genuine,
heartfelt compassion needs no special language to express itself.

      2. It's okay to talk about mundane things with a grieving person.
Being "normal" with your friend will help her. If you don't know what to
talk about, try something and ask your friend it this is okay. She will
help you to know what to do.
		. 
   B. Never criticize a grieving person. 

You do not know what someone else is going through or how he/she feels.
It is none of your business if the person doesn't cry "enough" to suit
you, if they return to work before you feel they should, if they appear
too cheerful or enjoy themselves. Remember that there is no right or
wrong way to grieve. Each person should have the freedom to grieve as
he/she pleases without harmful criticism and gossip from others. Just
be there for them.

   C. Don't ask what you can do for your friend. 

Try never to say, "Call me if you need me for anything." A grieving
person usually can't think what he/she needs and probably wouldn't ask
you for anything anyway. Ask your Heavenly Father what you can do for
your friend, and He will direct you. Then, don't hesitate to do what
you've been inspired to do, no matter how silly it may seem to you. 


III. When your loved one dies. . .

   A. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Expect good
days and bad days. Plan to "go with the flow". 

   B. You can live the gospel when you are grieving: you can pray and read
the scriptures; you can go to your meetings; you can ask for priesthood
blessings; you can call a friend; you can go for a walk or a ride; and
you can even help someone else who is in need.

   C. Try to stay away from negative emotions, such as guilt. Forgive
yourself and forgive others, even the person for whom you are grieving.
Look for a little joy in every day - it's there for you to find.

   D. Life seems to slow down when we are in pain. Allow more time for
yourself - more time to rest, more time to bathe, and more time to eat.
Get your hair or nails done. Get a massage. Go shopping or do whatever
you can for yourself. It is not selfish to make time for yourself; it
will strengthen you and help you do your "grief work".
	
   E. Make a scrapbook of your loved one's life. Write about him/her in your
journal. Give a memorial contribution to a favorite cause in remembrance
of your loved one. Do something that will keep his/her memory alive for
you and others.

   F. Some days, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, other holidays, birthdays,
and the anniversary of his/her death, are particularly difficult days.
You must plan ahead for what you will do on those days. Write what you'll
do on your calendar and tell others of your plans. Be sure to follow
through when that day arrives: go out to eat, go shopping, get your hair
done, visit friends, or have a cookout. If you don't plan what you will
do for those special days, you may become trapped in greater grief and
depression.

   G. Wear waterproof mascara. Tears flow when you least expect them!

   H. Remember that you will never be the same person that you were before
you lost your loved one. Grieving is very hard work, but you will survive,
and, hopefully, you will become a better person than you were before.
Use the knowledge you have gained to help someone else, now that "you know".

   I. Isn't life a test? Were we promised that it would be easy? Aren't we
here to learn important lessons and to serve our fellow beings? Death
isn't easy, but we can accept it, learn and grow from it, and continue
on in the adventure of our lives.

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     Can't Kiss it Away
     Linda N. Jackson, Summer 1995


Because she is Mama--
     She fixes things.
     She makes everything right.
     She always has an answer.

Because she is Mama--
     She nurtures children
     She bandages wounds and hearts.
     She cuddles, rocks, and kisses away tears.

Because she is Mama--
     Mothering is her way of life.
     She thinks she's strong.
     She thinks she can handle anything.

So when her child dies,
     She tries to fix it.
     She tries to make it right.
     She tries to find the answer.

But death has no answer.
     She can't make it right!
     She can't fix it!
     She can't kiss it away!

Just accept.

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1. There is joy in every day, even in the very worst of days. Expect joy: look for it, cherish it, remember it. Soon after Mackie's funeral, while I was sitting and thinking in my rocking chair, I noticed a red bird fluttering right by my back door. Then I became aware of other beautiful birds flying all around my house. Somehow this comforted me. Many other sweet things happened to bring me joy in my dark days, and I remember constantly being amazed that I could feel happiness in my agony.
2. Don't apologize or explain your grieving. If you feel like crying, go ahead. If not, that is okay, too. I went back to teaching the week after Mackie was buried. Several people told me that they couldn't work if their child had died. But working took my mind off Mackie and my pain. Those people never knew that when I came home from school, I sat immobilized in my rocking chair and cried for hours. I did not cook a meal for over two months, and the following year I took a leave of absence. We each do what we can in our own way. Remember, don't apologize for or explain your grieving. Only a few of your friends and family really understand, and you won't need to explain anything to them.
3. Take each day as it comes. There will be better days, and there will be awful days yet to come. And you will never be the same again. Your family will never be the same again. Don't try to be. But you will make it - all of you in your own way - but don't expect that this is going to go away or that it will be easy. Just take each day as it comes, trusting and thanking the Lord in all things, knowing that He has all power and is our loving Father in Heaven. Remember that He knows exactly how you feel, for He went through it, too, when he witnessed the agony and death of His Only Begotten Son.
4. Keep a journal/scrapbook. I have kept a journal for many years, and when Mackie died, I wrote down my feelings about him and all that I was going through. Also, I made a scrapbook of his life, which I keep in the living room. Doing these things took a lot of time and thought, but it helped me work through my heartache. I don't look through the scrapbook as often now, but it's there for all to see: It's a memento of his life.
5. The veil between life and death is very thin. Mackie is still my child. When someone asks how many children I have, I do not subtract him or my daughter, Hope. They are my children; they will always be my children. Mackie's stocking hangs with the rest of them each Christmas; sometimes I've baked him a cake on his birthday. He is a part of our family. I know he loves me and he sees me. I know this. I also know that he is happy, very happy, and that he is with his sister and his grandpa and other loved ones. I also know that it won't be long before I'll be with him again. This brings me great joy. Our loved ones do not want us to be miserable. This was confirmed to us by an experience that Dolly had when Mackie died and she was in labor with her second child in California.. They were very close, and she was distraught, because she was not able to come home. The day before the funeral, she heard Mackie's voice say, "Dolly, why are y'all so sad? Don't you know how happy I am?" I know that God is all powerful and could have prevented Mackie's death, but I know with all my being that there is an appointed time for each one of us to pass beyond the veil and go home to that God who made us.

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It is thought by many, that when the eulogy has been said and the casseroles are gone, the grief somehow magically goes away. The truth is that the death of a child, sibling, parent or loved one changes lives forever, and the grieving will never truly "be over it." Time does not heal all wounds, but time softens the intensity of the grief. What helps is finding those who will listen with their hearts and give hope and understanding. Those who will spend hours, days, and months with the grieving so they can tell their story over and over so they can somehow believe it themselves. Those suffering with a tragic loss need patient friends, meaningful activities, comfort and support.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY SOMETHING.

By being silent, you may give the impression that you do not care about your friend's loss. This is a very difficult time and it is not a time to disappear. Sometimes just offering a hug or holding someone's hand says enough. Then just be a good listener. To listen freely without thought of time, place, or constraint is still the most appreciated gift a person can give. It is important for the griever to be able to talk and reminisce about the lost loved one or even the incident. When a child is lost, understand that they will always miss their child, but somehow they learn to live with the broken heart. Just mentioning their child's name is music to their ears and it's okay to talk about the memories and the laughter of the past.

Listen with your eyes and resist the urge to talk by encouraging a one-way conversation. Let the quiet pauses be there without voice. A nodding of the head, a smile and sometimes even tears show you are connecting with their grief. It is probably best not to give advice unless you are asked.

GIVE OF YOURSELF.

Don't wait for the grieving to ask for help, they usually won't. Try to anticipate the needs and just do something without expecting anything. Understand that those in mourning are and will be adjusting to physical, mental and emotional changes that are draining to the body, causing fatigue and even depression. Ask yourself what would you need done if you were in the same situation. Then, take the time to give of yourself through service. Be that special friend that helps without asking, but be careful not to overstay your welcome.

SUNDAYS AND MUSIC ARE SO EMOTIONAL.

Holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of the death are the worst, but Sundays and hymns are right behind them. Sunday is usually a day when the family is together. This is a day of reflection. It can be a very lonely day. Social settings can also be very difficult. Never let the grieving person sit all alone and be sure to carry a tissue. Tissues always come in handy, especially during some hymns.

Holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of the death are most trying times. They miss the way life use to be. Sometimes just a note, a card, a visit, or a call is enough to let them know you are thinking of them. Do not be afraid to invite them to your family barbeque or activity. If there is a social function, call and ask if they would like to go with you. Don't let a "No, not this time," keep you from asking again.

THE FIRST YEAR IS HARD, BUT THE PAIN CONTINUES.

Sometimes people think it will be so much better after a year or two has passed. This is just not so. The pain continues and the grieving never actually "Get over it," they learn to live with it and with time, the wound might find some healing, but the scar is always there.

APPROPRIATE COMMENTS

• "I'm so sorry."
• "I'm sure this is so painful for you."
• "We appreciate his sweet spirit."
• "We are so sad. We had such good times with (name)."
• "My thoughts are with you."
• "I really miss (name). He was a special person and you must miss him so much."
• "I don't know the words to say or the exact thing to do to comfort you, but I want you to know how sorry I am. My prayers are with you."
• "What is your favorite memory of (name)?"
• "You've been on my mind. How are you feeling today?"
• "I think of you often."
• "Please remember how important you are to so many."
• "I will never forget (name). He was always so (trait)"
• "This must be so hard to accept."

THOSE THAT HAVE LOST A CHILD FIND THEMSELVES LIVING A "NEW NORMAL." LIFE HAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN AND OFTEN THE SECURITY THEY ONCE FELT HAS DISSAPPEARED.

QUITE OFTEN THE GRIEVING FIND THEMSELVES DOING THINGS THEY"VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.

• Often they find themselves reading the obituaries, searching for the names and ages of others who have died too young.
• They sometimes have a bad time with the time of day, day of the week, or where they were when they heard the news, but especially on the anniversary of the death.
• They often find themselves going over and over in their mind what they imagine their child thought as he or she faced death.
• They keep seeing someone who reminds them of their child.
• They find themselves crying as a remembrance is brought forward by a song, a fragrance, a thought or a word.
• They visit the cemetery often or the site where the death occurred.
• Husbands, wives and siblings all grieve differently and emotions change like the waves in the ocean.
• Just because they look fine in public, don't assume all is well. They learn to wear many faces to help endure the loss. Patience is so very important. The laughter will return, but the tears will be silent still.

• "I know how you feel."
• "It was Heavenly Father's will."
• "Be thankful you have other children."
• "Heavenly Father must have needed him."
• "There must have been a reason."
• "You have so many other blessings. This is just a test."
• "It must have been his time. His mission here was done."
• "You need to get over it and move on."
• "You've an angel in Heaven."
• "It could be worse."
• "Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than we can bear."
• "Call me if I can do anything for you."
• "You will see him again."
• "He is so much happier where he is."
• "You should get some counseling and some medication."

• Send a card monthly expressing your love and appreciation.
• A simple phone call regularly is usually very appreciated.
• Offer to take your friend to lunch.
• Long after the funeral, take some flowers to the cemetery or leave a flower with an anonymous note at the doorstep.
• My wife received a mother's bracelet with special charms of remembrance.
• A specially written poem of remembrance placed in a nice frame.
• Any picture of the deceased doing something fun with you or friends.

To a family whose foundation includes strong religious faith, that faith is often strengthened tremendously as they search to find an understanding. The Spirit inside may grow stronger, but the mortal pain of loneliness is so very deep. Saying "You will see him again," may seem to be a helpful phrase, but to the bereaved, it is like telling a man lost in a desert and dying from thirst that if he just keeps crawling, someday he will find water, whether it is 10, 20 or 30 years from now. The need, the hunger, the thirst is now. The pain feels as if it will never end.

Remember, we all have a date with adversity, but we just don't know when or to what depth. Horrible things can happen to good people.

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