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The following comments have been edited to prevent internet crawlers from
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Note 1: Discouragement And Being Tired
| Question:
"My son has been out just about a year and is struggling with
discouragement and being so completely worn out. He has said he is
exhausted and "has given his all for a year and how can I go for
another?" He asked for some motivation and help. Although I have tried to
address this in my weekly letters, I am looking for further suggestions."
(Note: This is the question to which the responses below are meant)
Response #1
Have you considered the very real possibility of this being a chemical
depression. I have had two sons and a nephew who have dealt with this.
Sometimes our sons have such high expectations from themselves that they
can't possibly live up to it and they work themselves into this. If this
could be the case then you need to know that the church has medical
advisors in mission fields. The Church has encountered this a lot and
have provided a way to deal with it. Contact your mission president and
explain your worry and ask that he speak with this medical advisor. You
may have to push from both ends and have your son talk to his mission
president about this possibility. When these young men don't eat right
and they work as hard as they do sometimes they run out of all the right
chemicals they need for emotional stability. Other than that turn it
over to the Lord and pray a lot. Hope this helps.
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Note 2: Discouragement Response 2
| After reading about the Elder who is discouraged and worn out after a
year I remembered back to when my brother was on his mission a couple of
decades ago. He became very depressed on his mission. Things were hard
and he tried to be obedient to all of the mission rules. Despite doing
all he could the discouragement and fatigue continued. He was suffering from
depression. Unfortunately no one picked up on it until he finished his
mission and came home. Perhaps this is something that is a little more
than "normal" discouragement and exhaustion. Missionaries often have
minimal contact with their mission presidents and it would take a rare
companion to put two-and two together and come up with a depressed
companion. It might be necessary for the parents to somehow let the
mission president know of their concern. With a little help that
missionaries last year could be a positive experience for him and those
around him!
Pat
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Note 3: Discouragement Response 3
| My son had been out about six months I believe and he found himself
having some of these same feelings. This was his solution for help
after a little advise from his dad; he made an appointment to council
with his Mission President. He had to put away his pride to be able to
do this and realize that he needed someone more experienced than himself
and who better than his Mission President. The Mission President after
listening to our son opened his scriptures and read from them, gave him
some very wise council and then gave him a Priesthood Blessing. The
words of this blessing were especially for him from an ever wise Father
in Heaven who knew just exactly what he needed to hear and who knew who
my son was.
He listened to the words and council and then committed himself to be
100% obedient in everyway (not that he was really doing anything bad).
He is almost at then end of his mission and still those words given in
a Priesthood blessing from a loving mission President still inspire and
motivate him. Yes, he did strive diligently to be 100% obedient as much
as we can in this mortal existence and he was blessed beyond measure.
So I guess what I am saying is encourage him to counsel with his Mission
President and ask for a blessing.
Yes, Betty if you think this is appropriate you can share it. Just
without our names. Thank you and thank you for a wonderful site it has
helped and inspired me.
Debbie
Elder Justin
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Note 4: Discouragement Response 4
| If this were my son, I would contact (maybe email first,
then a follow-up phone call) the Mission President and request that he
interview my son AND send him to a qualified MD for a thorough physical
check-up. I'd ask the Mission President to find out if my son were trying
too hard to be a good missionary. I would want to know if my son had
lost weight, was eating enough, getting enough sleep, etc.
For example:
is he getting up extra early or going to bed after the recommended time
to try and fit in more of something good (study, letter/journal writing,
exercising etc.) Is the missionary fasting too often or skipping meals
to either save money or spend more time doing missionary work? I would
want an MD to check out all body systems and do blood work and find out
if my son were anemic, or have a low grade infection, or possibly mono,
Epstein barr or some other exhausting illness. There are so many
things that could be out of whack and that could be fixed, that I'd
explore all options. Good Luck!
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Note 5: Discouragement Response 5
| My son has just returned from his mission and I asked him if he had any
suggestions. He stated that while he was on his mission at one point he
became so exhausted that he spoke with his mission president and got
permission to take a hour nap at lunch time. He said this helped him to
get through the day.
Your elder would need to get permission, too.
Kathy
Elder Adam
England Manchester 11/06-11/08
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Note 6: Discouragement Response 6
| Dear sister:
My son too struggled at the one year mark. It wasn't until his mission
president, who was geting ready to go home, put his arm around him and
gently told him to get over it. The president helped him to see that he
only had 1 year left, a short 12 months, to serve his Heavenly Father
100% of the time. Never in his life will he be able to serve in
such a way. Even if he is fortunate enough to become a mission
president he will nerver again be so free of responsibility. He also told
him to not waste a minute. The Lord will strengthen him and help him
becasue he "is about His Father's business."
(ED: This is not uncommon, and thankfully the mission president had the discernment
to know it wasn't medical.)
In my son's letter home yesterday he said, "I am so sad! I just
realized I only have 8 months left until I'll be home!" I didn't
have the heart to tell him he only has 7! I'm grateful to know that I
am the one who is excited for him to come home!
God Bless you!
Janilyn
Elder Jeron 07 to 09
Elder Zac 08-10
Bryce, waiting for call
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Note 7: Discouragement Response 7
| This is in response to the concerned parent with the worn out, discouraged son. It
is the text of comments I offered my own son as he has dealt with discouragement and
I think I might have found it to be of some comfort and encouragement as I struggled
in the first part of my mission:
I got your email late last night and have thought of almost nothing else since. I
don't know exactly what to do to help you, but here's what I do know: God loves you,
and our Savior gave His life so that we could live ours with joy and happiness. He
wants you to be happy just as I do. While there's little I can do for you from here,
there's plenty that Heavenly Father can do, if you'll put your trust in Him,
completely submit to Him, and live with the expectation that whatever is troubling
you can be resolved through His blessings. You might suggest that these are easy
things to say, but they aren't. In order to get to a place in life where I can say
them, mean them, and know that they are true, I had to struggle, submit, and fail
more than once. So it's not as easy as you might think to be able to say these
things - the knowledge has come at a cost - one that I would gladly pay again to
come to know what I know.
I know what it's like to struggle son, if you stop and think about some of the
hardships we've dealt with and then try to imagine how I might have felt on the
inside regardless of what I might have shown on the outside, you'll realize that
there might have been times that I've questioned my worth as a father and husband.
Most people, when faced with challenges and self-doubts, will wonder if things would
be better if they were to simply die and go away. It's easy to wonder if your family
might be better off without you. It's normal to wonder what might be wrong with you
at times and to doubt your worth. There's nothing wrong in having fleeting thoughts
like these. But you mustn't dwell on them. It's a lot like pornography. In today's
world it is very difficult to completely avoid exposure to pornography - the sin
isn't in the exposure, it's in dwelling on it, allowing it to captivate you,
returning to it.
I've learned to quickly replace errant thoughts with those that are worthwhile. I've
come to realize that turning my thoughts to gratitude steers my focus to something
good instead of harmful or counter-productive. If you're angry, turn your thoughts
to those you love. If you're sad turn your thoughts to the wonders of Christmas
morning as a child. If you doubt your worth, turn your thoughts to taking down clay
pigeons at the ranch, sometimes two at a time. If you're in pain, turn your thoughts
to how it felt to have me scratch your back as we'd lay on the floor together. If
you're wondering if you can endure, turn your thoughts to the next time you and
Uncle John will go hunting. If you feel unloved, turn your thoughts to the love of
your Father, either one of us.
You've now lived long enough and seen enough to see that while some others have
lived in greater luxury than you have at times, and still others might have had some
pretty amazing experiences, there aren't all that many people that have the life
you've been blessed to have. With little exception, you've lived in comfort, had
good food, clean clothing, and known the abundant blessings from God. To know the
love of your parents, to see the blessings of the gospel, to hold the priesthood of
God, to feel the warmth of the spirit, to have the respect of your leaders, to see
the eyes of a child who you know will grow up to love her Uncle - these are precious
and some of the greatest gifts of God.
You're half way around the world, in the service of Heavenly Father and representing
Jesus Christ - what an amazing thing! I pray every day that you'll be able to set
the course you take in such a way as to enjoy the experiences, bless the lives of
others through it, and return to us a greater man for it.
Submitted by Missionary Dad, Richard
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Note 8: Discouragement Response 8
| To the sister whose son was feeling discouraged and worn out after a year I
would just like to say that I don't think he's alone in feeling that way!
We noticed that our normally positive and upbeat son was starting to feel that
way at his one year mark. We would write to him with words of counsel and
positive thoughts, but it wasn't until a few weeks later when there were some
changes in the mission that his "spark" returned.
As I was speaking with some other moms and returned missionaries, I discovered
that many missionaries feel that way after about a year because the novelty
and newness of the mission/language/culture/experience wears off and they
realize they are only halfway there.
I don't know that I have any "advice" to give other than to hang in there and
pray for your missionary to settle in now that he knows the ropes. My son
just seemed to perk back up when he was given a few new challenges to deal with.
He is serving in Russia and things are starting to change a bit there since
they are not calling any new missionaries from the United States. There is
more and more responsibility placed on the remaining missionaries, but this
has motivated my son it seems.
I think it also took him that year to realize that he really does love the
people there, despite the differences in their lifestyles compared to ours.
I don't know if this helps, but don't give up! Keep praying!
Kristie
Elder Trevor, June 09
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Note 9: Discouragement Response 9
| I too, got very tired on my mission. I remember one particular preparation day just
crying and crying, not understanding why. My companion asked if I was thinking
about home, which surprised me because that was not at all the problem. I remember
another preparation day just sleeping almost the whole day. I now understand more
of what I was going through. I suggest your missionary go to a doctor to check
things out. He/she may be suffereing from depression. I have suffered through
depression over the years, and sometimes my only way to cope is a real good cry.
I could be wrong but this is my opinion from my life. Also other moms may know
better than me if it is difficult for a missionary to get a doctor's appointment.
Please don't ignore your child's concerns and if necessary talk to the president.
Thank you and best of luck.
Jackie
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Note 10: Doubt
| Recently I was fortunate to attend a fireside with Dr. Robert Millet.
He has written a new book, Holding Fast; Dealing With Doubt.
While the concern here is not doubt in testimony, but doubt
in self, "how can I go on?"
He covers this mother's concern beautifully. Just as Nephi had such a
powerful testimony of faith in addition to the knowledge he gained by
witnessing, he also had what Brother Millet calls "depletion depression."
When Nephi seems to feel the darkness of despair "O Wretched man that
I am…" He explained that "Having the Spirit isn't always the same as
feeling the spirit." Many times leaders (missionaries) in the church
do so much so often for so many for such a long period, they experience
"depletion depression." They are still living right, trying hard, and
all, but they don't feel happy or the same "feelings" that they once
did. He said this is normal and should not be construed as a weakness
or doubt. It serves God's purposes if we remain on track, putting one
foot in front of the other (keep on swimming), He said it may last a day,
a week, a month, or longer. It isn't a reflection of faithfulness;
righteousness; or heart. It is the mortal condition. Good to know!
The book of course will explain it in more detail and better, but I
wanted to pass it on to you so you can help your son or someone else.
He also said, if it persists it is not wrong to seek a doctor's help.
Our bodies are chemicals and we must do all we can to keep them in
balance as well as our work. Anyway, it was a great enlightening fireside.
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Note 11: HIPAA Release Form
| I heard of a missionary who had some medical problems while serving
a mission (in the U.S.).
Difficulty arose when his parents tried to get
information about his medical situation so they could help him make
informed decisions. U.S. law prohibits medical providers from sharing
any information to third parties (parents or siblings, etc.) for
patients over 18, without written consent.
This situation can be
prevented by having our adult children (missionaries, college students,
or otherwise) or even our adult parents, fill out and sign a HIPAA
form. I found one online at this link: caring.com/questions/hipaa-release-form
This challenge may
also be covered if you have a signed Power of Attorney, but I think that as
missionary moms, most of us only have our missionaries serving foreign
missions sign one of those. At any rate, if the power of attorney is
destroyed at the conclusion of the mission, children and parents may
still want to have legal access to medical information.
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Note 12: Relocated Missionary
| My son was struggling when he was first relocated from Bolivia to Peru. We
were very concerned about the comments he was making. This was a young man
who five months into his mission had been pretty sick. He is 5'9" and last
Christmas weighed in at 92 pounds. He fought with everything he had to stay
on his mission. Never once did he want to come home. They finally had to
bring in an American doctor who helped him feel better and get back on
track. He finally got his weight up to 120 pounds and was attached by a dog
in a grocery store. The owner of dog would not give the Elder's the dog's
shots records and when the Mission President and the local law people got
involved the dog disappeared. Our son got to have a series of rabies shots.
(10 of them directly into his belly button) His weight went back down to
just over 100 pounds. Even then he didn't get discouraged and want to come
home.
When our son first got to Peru from Bolivia there was a lot of contention
between the two sets of Missionaries. He said it was like a turf war there.
The missionaries originally assigned to Peru were not very nice to the
Bolivian missionaries. In fact several of them refused to be companions
with the Bolivian missionaries. The zone leaders would not give the
Bolivian missionaries any information they felt they needed to do their jobs
or give them any contact information for their leaders. He was very
frustrated and felt like he had left a lot of things undone. He left two
families waiting to be baptized without even a goodbye. He hadn't even
gotten his allowance for the month and they weren't sure when they would be
getting it. By the second the week he emailed us with the comment that he
wanted to come home. His email was very depressing to read. He wasn't
happy, he was tired and he felt like the world was against him and the other
missionaries called to serve with him in Bolivia. This email was so bad
that my husband and I decided to forward it to our Stake President. Within
a half hour our Stake President was on the phone with us. The Stake
President was very concerned about our the way our son was feeling at this
time. Our son and our Stake President are very good friends. He knows our
son well enough to know the he has always had a great attitude about
everything, he doesn't let things bother him, he jumps right in a takes care
of the problem.
The council we were given by the Stake President was to remind our son that
Heavenly Father knew that this was going to happen way before it did. He
knew that our son would be a part of all of this and that he could get
through this. That he could work through these feelings and frustrations he
was having and the tiredness he was feeling. That no matter how hard things
get Heavenly Father knew he could do this and he is with him to help him do
it. He also told us to encourage him to immerse himself in the work of the
Lord, to alway think of those he is there to serve and not about himself.
When we are serving others our problems aren't nearly as bad as we think
they are. Through these experiences and these feeling our missionaries
grow. They learn to handle adversity and trials. They are being prepared
for their future. Just think of what wonderful men, husband, fathers and
leaders they are learning to be. Through every trial there
is a lesson to be learned. It is up to us what we take from the
experiences we have and how we us them. When we do all that we can and we
feel like we can't do anymore, take a break and leave the problem in the
hands of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Let the attonement work for you.
Heavenly Father always has a plan to help us endure anything.
If you think my little story with help anyone out you are very welcome to
share it. Since my husband and I and our wonderful Stake President shared
these thoughts with our son he has done a whole lot better. He expressed
his thanks to all of us for taking the time to remind him of what is
important and why he is there in the first place. As soon as he quit
worrying about the things going on around him and concentrated on putting
100% into his mission and the people he was teaching, life got a whole lot
better. He loves it there now and is ready for whatever may come next.
Misty and Greg
Elder Jacob
Bolivia Santa Cruz Mission - Peru Lima East Mission
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Note 13: Response From a Ph.D. In Nursing
| At this writing, I am a Registered Nurse of 37 years with a masters degree, and now working
on my doctorate. I add this piece as I want you to know the
level of advice you are receiving.
I write this without hesitancy as I know prayers have already been offered.
Often people, even children, are "worn out and tired" do to mental strain, or what is called care-giver strain. "Teaching" and "giving" can cause the "giver" to
empty out: some sooner than others. This is real and factual
and should not go unaddressed.
This Missionary needs
rest, relaxation and time to "recharge". There may be
consequences if he does not. He needs
more than a P-day to do this and he needs support and the
physical presence of those who care. He does not need to be
made to feel guilty because his body requires this.
Some people are just natural givers and they go and go and
go with little to no recharge. Others of us need a more frequent
dusting-off and brushing-up.
The scriptures are great for
these purposes, but the body needs the rest and change of
scenery. If it takes a week or two, then so be it...do it.
This way at least he gets to finish the Mission and have better
thoughts about it as opposed to being totally drained--emptied
out--due to this "caregiver strain" which could cause him to have to leave the mission
field early.
If he is not given some "break" of some kind every 4-6 weeks, or at the
frequency he needs, he may
get physically ill because "stress' will have weakened his immune
system.
Dianne
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Note 14: Third World RMs and TB
| There is one thing I would like to pass on to others. Have your son/daughter
tested for TB the day they get home. Our son was tested 4 days after being
home and had a terrible reaction. He's now on daily antibotics for 9 months.
Before he was tested, my husband took him, and his brother on a two-day
backpacking trip. They shared water bottles!! Now they are going to have
to be tested in 6-8 weeks!
And you never think it's going to happen to you!
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