LDS Missionaries and Their Mothers

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; we are often referred to as the LDS Church or the Mormons. The LDS church was founded near Rochester, New York, a little more than 150 years ago. The LDS Church was initially made up of converts from the east coast of America and England, where proselyting began. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a church of converts, meaning that sharing the teachings of Jesus Christ worldwide is a primary focus. LDS authorities have said that all able-bodied, worthy, nineteen year-old men should serve a two year proselyting mission; LDS women may go at the age of twenty-one, and retired couples can also go, if they desire. (In this paper I am focusing on young LDS men.) Children in the church are taught to prepare for missions. The following two songs are contemporary tunes which LDS children sing as often as every Sunday:

"I Hope They Call Me on a Mission"

I hope they call me on a mission
When I have grown a foot or two.
I hope by then I will be ready
To teach and preach and work as missionaries do.

I hope that I can share the gospel
With those who want to know the truth.
I want to be a missionary
And serve and help the Lord while I am in my youth. (Perry 2000)

We'll Bring the World His Truth: Army of Helaman"

We have been born, as Nephi of old,
To goodly parents who love the Lord.
We have been taught, and we understand,
That we must do as the Lord commands.

We have been saved for these latter days
To build the kingdom in righteous ways.
We hear the words our prophet declares:
"Let each who's worthy go forth and share."

We know his plan, and we will prepare,
Increase our knowledge through study and prayer.
Daily we'll learn until we are called
To take the gospel to all the world.

We are as the army of Helaman.
We have been taught in our youth.
And we will be the Lord's missionaries
To bring the world his truth. (Perry 2000)

The LDS Church has a Book of Mormon scripture story in Alma, chapters 53-57, affectionately referred to as "The Stripling Warriors." Alma, chapter 56, verse 47, says, in part, "yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them." This story is held up as a model, for LDS mothers, for rearing strong, physically and spiritually, young men. It is also the model for young men for respecting a mother's teachings. The story depicts the power a mother has in rearing children to be prepared to serve the Lord. The image of a mother hugging her young warrior son is frequently depicted in LDS art and literature. Missionaries are often affectionately referred to as "God's Army" - alluding to the idea that although the Stripling Warriors fought a physical war, missionaries are fighting a spiritual battle.

Another favorite song for LDS children as well as the adults is,

"Families Can Be Together Forever"

I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

While I am in my early years, I'll prepare most carefully,
So I can marry in God's temple for eternity.

Families can be together forever
Through heav'nly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family.
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can. (Gardner 2000)

The LDS Church places a strong emphasis on "building" eternal families. When couples are married in an LDS temple, it is not for time, but for eternity.(1) This message is one of the major focuses of LDS missionary proselyting.

The LDS Church stresses the value of a mother who stays at home and is a full-time mother. Parents are taught that, "No success can compensate for failure in the home."(2) Mothers are instructed to build strong family ties--eternal family ties. Mothers are likewise taught that they are to rear sons who are ready to go out into the world and serve God. These two messages can be seen as being in conflict with each other--build strong families and prepare your children to leave home. LDS mothers are taught that their children are theirs for a short time, and then they must leave their homes of birth and go about the Lord's business, for a season. Although serving a mission is a choice for young men and young women, this culturally enforced separation often goes against a mother's gut feelings, but fits quite well into the Church's plan of serving one's Heavenly Father. A phrase heard on the television talk show, Oprah, in 2002, spoken by a mother, reflecting this separation makes one aware that this is not an exclusive Mormon dilemma, "'Grown-up' should have some meaning for a boy other than 'gone away.'"

On September 16, 1999, my nineteen year-old son received his "mission call." This call to serve as a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints came in the way of a letter in a large white envelope. Young men fill out papers, similar to job applications, and have interviews with area Church authorities, who then send the finished paperwork to Church headquarters. Approximately three weeks after the "papers have been turned in," the "mission call" comes in the mail. The area of the world where the missionary will be going is not decided on by the young man, but determined, through revelation, by the Church missionary authorities. My son's mission call was for the Hawaii Honolulu Mission. He left for Hawaii on November 24, 1999, to serve the Lord for two years.

I was delighted with Tyler's call, but also quite sad--one fourth of my family would be gone for two years. Tyler's mission call letter says, in part, "You will be an official representative of the Church. As such, you will be expected to maintain the highest standards of conduct and appearance by keeping the commandments, living mission rules, and following the counsel of your mission president. You will also be expected to devote all your time and attention to serving the Lord, leaving behind all other personal affairs. As you do these things, the Lord will bless you, and you will become an effective advocate and messenger of the truth." There are strict rules regarding communicating with one's missionary: no face to face visits, only letters and packages, and no telephone calls except the calls made by the missionary on Mother's Day (not Father's Day) and Christmas. Four telephone calls and weekly letters are generally inadequate for a mother who has spent countless hours for nineteen years building a secure relationship with her child. How could I continue to keep my family close and not lose the bond I had so judiciously worked on developing while at the same time supporting my son and the LDS Church authorities? How could I give my child the love and attention I thought he needed and still let go enough for him to be a part of the missionary culture?(3) And the selfish question--How was I going to fare, without my son, for two years?

Sending a child on a mission and the resulting separation are challenges for both a father and mother. However, many LDS men, both in the past and today, are equipped to handle this in a way LDS women aren't--they have served missions. They can draw on the experiences of being a missionary and of being a part of the missionary community as they relate to their children. While more LDS women are choosing to serve missions, most LDS mothers have not served missions, and they tend to want to draw strength from a supportive community.(4) So how do women handle this separation? A University of California at Los Angeles (UCLA) study titled, "UCLA study: Biobehavioral Responses to Stress in Females: Tend-and Befriend, Not Fight-or-Flight," suggests that although men react to stress with "fight or flight" behaviors, women "tend and befriend" (Updegraff et al. 2000). Consequently, issues, especially those related to relationships, are viewed and experienced differently. When women are stressed, they tend to gather their children near them and look for women with whom to associate. Women find strength in bonding--through family, friends, communities, and networks. While men look at separation and being an individual as a mark of maturity, women's identity is oftentimes shaped through attachment and closeness. Carol Gilligan, in her book, In A Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development, suggests, "Women stay with, build on, and develop in a context of attachment and affiliation with others . . . women's sense of self becomes very much organized around being able to make, and then to maintain, affiliations and relationships" (Gilligan 1993). This is in direct correlation to the LDS Church's ideal of an eternal family.

Mothers of missionaries are often begrudged any attempt to express loneliness, or worry over their child in public or in mixed company. Phrases such as, "Where would you rather him/her be?" "But think of the blessings you're receiving," and "I've bet you've already taken over his bedroom" often leave a mother without a forum for sharing her true feelings. Usually an "I'm fine," or "He's doing great," are all that a mother shares in public. There is a difference in how the story is told, depending on whether the audience is a public or private one. But--

In 1998, Betty Pearson, of Lehi, Utah, mother of seven, organized "LDSMissionaryMoms." This internet e-list [is divided, as of this writing,] into thirty-five cyber-communities. Each community is populated by mothers of missionaries, with citizenship being determined by the area of the world in which the missionary has been called to serve. I belong to LDSMMNW (Missionary Moms who live in the Northwest), LDSMMPacific (Missionary Moms who's children are serving in the section of the world serving the Pacific Islands), and LDSRMM (Returned Missionary Mother). Betty organized this e-list when her oldest son turned eighteen and began talking about becoming a missionary. In an August, 2002, interview with Betty she said, "I asked myself, who do I know who's been on a mission or had a missionary child?" Betty's husband had served a mission, but Betty wanted to talk with LDS women. She couldn't find a mother with mission or missionary experience, so with the help of her husband, Karl, and their internet webpage, OURLDSFamily.com, "LDS Missionary Moms" was created. In the past five years, Betty's cyber-communities have grown to a population of approximately 1800 women (there are nearly 65,000 missionaries - including women and couples - serving throughout the world). Betty had a need, and she creatively adapted an emerging aspect of communication technology to begin filling that need. [As of 2.2006, there are over 3500 women]

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a worldwide church, where customs and conventions vary according to the numerous ethnic cultures within the church. Many LDS families have no history of or experience with missionaries. Links to other mothers, regardless of how or where, serve as clearing-houses for mission and missionary information. These cyber-communities are just one example of the networks women develop and maintain. I am not attempting to say that all mothers of missionaries belong to these cyber-communities, or even have a need for a network such as this. This would be a very simplistic generalization, and it would not be correct for me or anyone else to imply this.

Geographer, Yi-Fu Tuan, in the book, Mapping American Culture, discusses place and culture as intertwined; he suggests that the idea of place can be a solution to the idea of isolation as an actual place, by giving order to an otherwise feeling of separation or indifference (Franklin, Steiner 1992). When members of an LDS woman's geographical community are not responsive or experienced, she can turn to her virtual community of peers. Here she will find, in this creatively adapted community or place, the group solidarity, within her own LDS culture, that she desires. There is a sense of communal oneness within these cyber-communities. This Missionary Moms list has been referred to as, a "Network of sisters," a "huge support group out there of fabulous people who love me and don't get sick of hearing me talk about my missionary," a "Sisterhood," "one of the largest LDS women's group in the world," the "best kept secret," "a wonderful club of missionary moms," and an "instant camaraderie of sisters."(5) These communities begin balancing the tension and disruption felt and expressed among mothers of LDS missionaries.

Although the faces of these women remain unknown, their ease with the means of corresponding and their similar beliefs and values makes these communities alive and viable. The facelessness in no way diminishes the value of these cyber-communities. This creative adaptation of a physical, face to face community may not be as easily recognized or emotionally warm as a door-step visit was in the past, but the feelings of isolation can vanish with the index finger pushing the "send" button. Paige writes, "No one cares what my background is or where I come from; they are just there to support me in my situation."(6)

In telling one's story, a mother discovers that she is not alone. Maggie writes, "It is wonderful to have a kinship with people who are in my same boat." Marilyn shares, "It's kind of like we have our own little corner of the world. Hey?!" "We are the best cheerleaders for each other, aren't we?" writes Dawn. Meg Brady, in her article on women's frontier friendships writes about women building networks of friendship, in the nineteenth century. She says that friendship, for women, was the "very cornerstone of social relationships. . . . Women consciously constructed and reconstructed those important female networks" (Brady 2001).

In adapting the conventions of the day to fit the needs of the woman, LDS women are doing exactly what is necessary to sustain themselves. Sharing personal stories, inviting responses, asking questions, making requests, are all ways that women build a community. Today, the internet is taking its place beside the family, the neighborhood, and the church community as LDS mothers of missionaries construct and reconstruct these important female networks. Kristi writes, "I am a bundle of nerves so I decided to turn to my 'sisters' and ask for your prayers this day. It may turn out to be nothing, but when it's your child, everything seems 1000 times worse. . . . Thanks to all of you for your support and for always being there for me!" "I also understand how you feel when you say how much you miss your son," shares Lora. From Alice, "I have really appreciated the bond we share not only as missionary moms but also as sisters. Thanks for helping me through the past two years. I don't know how I would have ever done it without you!" "Hope you don't mind my going-on, but who else would understand so well?" writes Barb. And from Anne, "I need you to know how much you helped me get through this weekend. . . . Thanks for your prayers and efforts to help us. I thank Heavenly Father for friends like you, every night!"

When Joy writes, "Please pray for him. I want to be there. This is one apron string I cannot cut," Shirlene replies, "We will." Women often see sharing as a communal event. According to Elaine Lawless, in Holy Women, Wholly Women, sharing stories or experiences is a way to express the beliefs and concerns of the entire group (Lawless 1993). Women are free to add to a story or comment on it. Often their responses are affirming their respect for the mother/friend and the events being shared. Debra empathizes with Carol, "We know this is hard for you Debra. Just walking by his room will be so hard . . . So you take care and know you aren't alone through this." "I can totally relate to how you are feeling," shares Renae. Cindy, in replying to Donna's e-mail writes, "I know what you mean. I have never experienced such sadness and joy at the same time. . . . He sounds like a man instead of a boy sometimes. Maybe that's what makes me the most sad." A missionary mom's response, "I know exactly what you mean," and then reciprocating with a story of one's own both validates a woman's own words in addition to giving her added insight into her own story based on the wisdom and experiences of the others in the group. Allison writes, "Thanks for sharing your stories and listening to mine."

In Women's Ways of Knowing, we read, "It's not a battle between the gods that concerns women. Women are concerned with how you get through life from minute to minute. What each little teeny tiny incident--how it can affect everything else you do. Women see things close at hand. . . ." (Belenky et al. 1997). Missionary moms have access to a pool of collected wisdom. Kelly is aware of this in her request, "I am writing to get some advice from you." Likewise with Karen, "To all of you who have responded to my scream for help . . . Thank You."

When a mother receives a letter from her son stating, "The elders told me today I'm losing hair. I guess I'm getting sunburned. But, what should I do?" A missionary mom is concerned about that very moment, that very real concern. The missionary mom logs onto the internet, enters the cyber Missionary Moms community, and sends an e-mail to her sisters asking for advice. "I just received a letter from my son, who's serving in Hawaii. He said he's having some hair loss. What should I do? He has beautiful hair; I don't want him to lose it!" The responses back are incredible, "Buy some packets of powdered protein drinks; they should help." "Almonds are a good source of protein, maybe he has a protein deficiency." "Folic acid is what my doctor prescribed for my hair loss after I had my baby; you could try sending him some of that." "Sunscreen. Send him some sunscreen. Too bad they can't wear hats." The missionary mom is thrilled with the quick words of advice and dashes off a package of powdered protein drinks, protein bars, almonds, and sunscreen. Well, come to find out, a year later, this message of hair loss is one joke missionaries play on each other. But - my son was prepared, thanks to the MM list! And, the bond between mother and son is kept intact.

Missionary mom Denise's experience is similar to the ones above, "AAUUGGHH!! I have no hair left!!! Do any of you know of missionary shoes that look like tennis shoes, feel like tennis shoes, but pass the [dress-shoe] requirements??!!" Worried mother Vicki writes, "I am wondering if there is an appropriate length of time a parent should wait for a letter. I mean, before we pursue it and call the mission home?!"

My all-time favorite cry came from Janine who wrote, "My son got four stitches in the head playing football a couple of months ago. I didn't know until I saw them in some pictures that he sent. . . . I asked him who stitched him up. He said a gentleman in the area where he was serving (counselor in the Stake Presidency) was a vet, and he did it. He said the vet gave him some antibiotic ointment to use, but it said 'for animal use only' . . . so he didn't dare use it." Missionary mom, Sheri replies, "I grew up near ranches, and my father often was doctoring animals. We still . . . have 'for animal use only' products in our first aid kit. . . . My father used it on me . . . I healed up great! So tell him not to worry, I'm sure the vet knew what he was doing."

Those outside of a mother's sphere may not understand what a mother means when she says she needs someone who understands her, or has gone through similar struggles. But, a woman's willingness to be vulnerable, and then find a forum to share this vulnerability, should be applauded. Maria writes, "Sisters, I just had to come to this list, with women who will understand my thoughts." Kristin shares, "When there is a missionary having trouble we are all sad and want to help. When a missionary is given more responsibility and doing great, we are all very excited and happy. We are for the cause of everyone. We laugh together and cry together." From a grateful Irma, "To all my new friends who have become so close since we look out for each other on the MMs'. How can I thank you for the responses received regarding my son who is going to Indonesia? A lot of the messages I have from you have gone a long way to creating strength for me." From Jan, "I am a single mom sending my oldest son on a mission to a country I've never visited and know next to nothing about. It has been immensely helpful to be able to ask questions . . . It has also been so comforting to read about other young men already there and hear that they are faring well and loving it. It takes some of the worry (definitely not all) out of sending my son to a foreign country. I would be at my wits end without the help of this wonderful group [website]. Thank you!"

Through the years, LDS missionaries, both male and female, have become church leaders. With their mission experiences and the involvement of their mothers in their missions, some leaders' attitudes toward maintaining mother and missionary relationships have softened. A message from LDS Church General Authority, Monte J. Brough reflects this,

"A few years ago while I was presiding over the mission in Minneapolis, Minnesota, an interesting event took place . . . A rather severe tornado hit the area. It was severe enough that it came to the attention of the nightly news broadcast over the national networks . . . Before long, the telephone started ringing in our mission office. This went on for two or three hours, with parents calling from many areas wondering about their Johnny or Richard.

"I recall later walking across the parking lot from the mission office to the mission home saying to myself, 'You know these Mormon mothers. They just won't untie the apron strings. They just won't let their boys go.' As I walked into the mission home, the phone again was ringing. I picked up the phone and guess who? My mother! She was wondering how her missionary was doing under these circumstances.

"I learned a great and deep lesson. A mother's love and concern never ceases - nor should it." (Brough 1988)

Again in Holy Women, Wholly Women, Lawless writes, "What women know does not in most instances provide an easy path for them" (Lawless 1993). LDS mothers of missionaries know that their roles as mothers will be forever changed because of this mission experience. The aforementioned networks of mothers provide LDS missionary moms with one way of coming to terms with the tension and the personal disruption which comes with having a child serving a mission. These mother to mother relationships-networks- communities are for support throughout this changing time--not for revolution (Radner 1993). They are for the management of the change in ones' lives and for maintaining well-being within the LDS culture.

Ronda Walker Knudsen
1756 East 700 South Springville, UT

Notes

1. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has temples throughout the world. These temples are places which are open only to members of the church who have been recommended by their church leaders. In these temples members of the church can be sealed, or married for time and eternity. For more information regarding the LDS Church's beliefs, organization, teachings, and terminology please see the Encyclopedia of Mormonism (Ludlow, Daniel H., ed. Encyclopedia of Mormonism. New York: Macmillan, 1992.)

2. One of the primary messages of LDS prophet David O. McKay, 1873-1970. He was the LDS church's leader from 1951 to 1970. See the Encyclopedia of Mormonism for more information regarding President McKay's thoughts on family.

3. Folklorist William A. (Bert) Wilson, in his studies on LDS missionaries, has brought to those outside of the missionary culture an awareness of the culture which exists and can only be experienced by one serving an LDS mission.

4. LDS women have always had the opportunity to serve a mission when they reached the age of twenty-one. However, it has been only in the past twenty years, perhaps because of the impact of the women's movement, that LDS women have made serving a mission one of their life goals.

5. LDS men and women often refer to each other as brothers and sisters, meaning we are all children of heavenly parents. Often people are called, Brother [last name] or Sister [last name] in the same way that Mister or Misses is used with a surname.

6. Through months of personal correspondence, by means of the missionary mom network, the following personal accounts have been shared and collected. All information from LDS mothers of missionaries is the author's personal correspondence, unless otherwise noted. All women's names have been changed.

Ronda Walker Knudsen
1756 East 700 South Springville, UT

Belenky, Mary Field, Blythe McVicker Clinchy, et al, eds. Women's Ways of Knowing: The Development of Self, Voice, and Mind. New York: BasicBooks, Inc., 1997.

Book of Mormon, 1981 ed. Corporation of the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Salt Lake City, UT.

Brady, Margaret K. "In Her Own Words: Women's Frontier Friendships in Letters, Diaries, and Reminiscences." The Western Historical Quarterly 32, No.4 (Winter 2001): 162.

Brough, Monte J. "A Willing Heart." Ensign, November 1988, 40.

Children's Songbook of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 2000. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Salt Lake City, UT.

Franklin, Wayne, Michael Steiner, eds. Mapping American Culture. The American Land and Life Series. Iowa City: U of Iowa Press, 1992.

Gilligan, Carol. In A Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1993.

Lawless, Elaine. Holy Women, Wholly Women: Sharing Ministries Through Life Stories and Reciprocal Ethnography. Philadelphia: U of Pennsylvania Press, 1993.

Radner, Joan Newlon, ed. Feminist Messages: Coding in Women's Folk Culture. Chicago: U of Illinois Press, 1993.

Updegraff, John A., Shelley E. Taylor, Brian P. Lewis, and Laura Cousino Klein. "UCLA Study: Biobehavioral Responses to Stress in Females: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight-or-Flight." Psychological Review, July 2000, Vol. 107, Issue 3, 114.

Top of Page