Specific things to do:

[ ] Avoid pornography (internet, entertainment, music) [ ] Stay morally clean [ ] Keep the Word of Wisdom [ ] Be honest [ ] Be law abiding, good citizens [ ] Do not defile your body [ ] Use clean language, and not use vulgarity [ ] Have a solid testimony of the gospel [ ] Learn how to pray meaningfully to your Heavenly Father [ ] Keep the Sabbath Day Holy [ ] Work and prepare financially for your mission by saving part of your earnings [ ] Pay full and honest tithe [ ] Limit time spent playing computer games (or other entertainment) [ ] Spend more time STUDYING the scriptures (Read the Standard Works!) [ ] Understand the message of the Restoration [ ] Serve others [ ] Share your testimony [ ] Duty to God YM program

One of the key focuses of the new guidelines is to learn how to feel and recognize the Spirit. Your children should be able to learn how to teach by the Spirit. Let them practice in Family Home Evenings. Take advantage of opportunities to practice giving talks on the spur of the moment, using the scriptures as their only text.

For Fathers:

[ ] Teach your sons to understand the basic doctrines required to become a faithful father. [ ] How worthy are your children? [ ] How are they progressing spiritually? [ ] Monitor your children's issues and concerns carefully [ ] Ask specific questions and get specific answers [ ] Counsel with your children, and if necessary, go with them to see the Bishop if they need to repent.

Fathers need to be a counselor, adviser, Priesthood Leader because of your eternal responsibility for them. If there is no father in the home, then it is the responsibility of the Melchizedek Priesthood Brethren.

PHYSICAL Preparation:

[ ] Know how to work hard [ ] Be able to handle a full schedule: study, work, and cook meals, clean house, and do their own laundry. The ability to handle all of them at once will ease the stress of a new missionary. They will be able to do that which is familiar by rote. [ ] Learn how to repair a bike [ ] Be in good physical condition. The physical rigors of missionary work require good health and physical strength. (Good time to get to the gym, and to ride a bike again). [ ] If overweight, your children must slim down. If a missionary candidate's weight-to-height ratio exceeds the BMI, "the individual will typically be denied missionary service until the individual demonstrates a desire and an ability to lose weight". If this is an issue, you must see your Bishop or Stake President for details. [ ] Physically healthy. If the missionary already has an eating disorder, the stress of missionary life will typically exacerbate the problem, which can further damage the missionary's health. [ ] Learn to lead music, and if possible, play the piano. [ ] Learn basic skills--home repair, car repair, and other things that will help a missionary contribute to service in their missions. [ ] Keep a clean driving record

Some people listen to advice and try to implement it in their life the best they can. Others find it too harsh because they don't want to change, myself included. I have found that when I am upset with someone's advice it is because it cuts to the very core and I am not ready to make the change either because I can't see how to do it or because I don't wish to let go of the good for something better.

I am sorry that you are getting grief about advice you pass on. Advice is what it is--take it or leave it--but do not get mad at the presenter. The scriptures are full of people who got angry at good advice. For example, think of the mother who did not have scouting in her area. If her son follows the Duty To God program the way it is intended, he will serve a mission. But it does not change the fact that more young men who were eagle scouts serve missions than those who don't. Opinions, or hurt feelings, don't change statistics. Nothing is guaranteed because it depends how the program is run and the heart of the young man doing the learning. If the focus is on "what's in it for me" he will grow to be self-centered, but if the program is run to build character and the focus is on "now that we've learned this let's go serve someone" then the young men will begin to see that what they know is to serve others and they will grow to really want to serve a mission.

As mothers we do have to be careful not to coddle our sons. We have to let them be men. Becoming a man is not just coming of age but growing to be a responsible adult man.

You once sent out an email about coddling our boys. I chose to read it and look at how I might better prepare my son for a mission. I saw many things I had been doing right but there was one thing that I was not doing so well. Some of the things I learned as I was raising my first and changed a few things with my second, third, and fourth. Parenting, more often than not, is a work in progress. We are not born perfect parents. We learn to be perfect parents through trial and error because what works with one, will most likely not work for the next.

John Bytheway spoke about how wise people learn from their mistakes and super wise people learn from other's mistakes. I like to learn from the mistakes of others (ha ha ha ha). Consequently, I love advice. I have been given both good and bad advice, but the Holy Ghost helps me to know the difference. There is no need to lash out angrily at people or demand they stay quiet. One can calmly express their opinion back but you must never argue with what General Authorities say. They have said that all church members in Canada and the U.S. should participate in boy scouts because it prepares young men for the priesthood and their missions.

I hope you never stop sharing what the mission presidents have seen and the advice they give. I hope you never stop sharing what the general authorities have said. The duty to God program was never meant to take the place of scouting while scouting upholds the ideals of the church.

Other countries are not encouraged to put their young men in scouting because the program in those countries are not entirely in keeping with the ideals of the Church. In those countries they work on only Duty to God. And by so doing will, if done by the power of the Spirit, will give the young men a chance to learn to be leaders and gain skills to help others.

I know you do not hear it enough: THANK YOU for all you do. !!!!!!!!

Please do not give up on us. We had a sister in our stake who had food storage down to a science, but people would not listen to her. They felt her words were harsh, because she always spoke what was in the scriptures and what the prophets had said. Today she no longer gives advice freely. She has been brow-beaten. Now many who would listen never get to hear her because she no longer travels from ward to ward. You have to know her and ask her yourself and even then she is reluctant for fear someone will be critical. It would be a shame if this happened to you.

Please don't gibe up sending informative and helpful advice for helping mothers be better at preparing and supporting missionaries. There will always be those who are over sensitive when given advice, but completely insensitive and harsh, or even spiteful and hateful, when responding.

Please be not weary in well-doing. Keep up the good work. Your advice helps me grow as a parent and we all learn from the prophets that parenting is a life-long endeavor that reaches beyond the grave. And every thing I can learn in this life will help me in the next and perhaps the things I learn will help my boys in spite of the mistakes I have made in the past. Only a fool despises good advice and someone said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

We must never water down the gospel out of fear of offending. I single-parented for a while and was the product of a broken home and my favorite songs were Families can be Together Forever and I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home. I sang those to my boys. Why? Because it was truth and just because my oldest was without a dad for 4 years does not make the truth any less the truth. Children definitely need both parents. AND our children need to know that, even if it hurts. As a parent you can be sensitive enough to explain that we are not living the ideal but we need to strive for it any way. We do not need to feel bad that we are in circumstances beyond our control, but we must not pretend that living in a single parent family is ideal and that divorce does not hurt.

The same goes for what you are saying. Our boys should, by the time they are 18, be able to make doctors appointments for themselves. They should know what to do when they don't budget their money as they should. We should not be so quick to run to their rescue. They need to stand on their own with God and raise their families. We should guide them in what to do not do it for them. Some need more guidance than others, but when we do things for them all the time we hurt them instead of help them. We are "serving" but we are not actually performing any "service". Many parents do not realize what they are doing because we live in a society that thinks this is what we are supposed to do in order to be a good parent. Even among many in the church in spite of council to be contrary.

My oldest, who did not serve a mission, used to call home for everything and used to expect me to handle all his problems. Partly for stepping in when I should not have and partly for not stepping in when I should have. Finally I learned to do things differently and worked at stepping back when it was something taught and stepping in when instruction was needed then stepping back and letting him handle it.

So, my other children have always had better parenting and so they do not call home all the time with problems but will call home for advice. That is what one should strive for. They should know they can come to you without you taking over. That will build confidence.

I have heard many moms in the groups complaining that the mission is not taking care of their boys. That their money is running out and that they are not given sufficient funds. So I asked my son how his funds were holding out. He said he was doing just fine. He then moved to a new area that was slightly more costly and he ran out of money but did not call home to say please send money I'm broke; they did not give me enough. Instead he only responded to my inquiry with "this month I was short because I had not planned on the area being more expensive than the last one, but I will budget better next month." Now that makes a parent proud. Don't we all want to hear that our missionaries take responsibility for themselves?

Please do not give up. I need all the help I can get and I know Heavenly Father works through us to help each other. Thank you again.

anon.

Thank you for the warm welcome to Missionary Mom email groups. And thank you for the opportunity to share some insight on how to best prepare our sons and daughters for missionary service as well as what we can do to better support our in-field missionaries.

You are taking a risk asking these question because some of the answers are deep and telling of some of the challenges missionaries have in the field. Because of this, please remove my name. Thanks.

The number one thing we see that moms/parents can do to better prepare their missionaries for service would be to teach their children the doctrine of exact obedience and following the prophet completely.

It seems many missionaries don't have the faith or conviction to be able to fully obey mission guidelines, when in fact, the prophet has outlined inspired guidelines that are meant to be complied with 100 percent -- not 70 or 80 percent. The following scriptures provide strength, and a perspective that it is possible to be exactly obedient: Proverbs 3:5-7, D & C 6:36, D & C 82:10, and Joshua 1:9. Finally, D & C 84:44 gives the Lord's standard, "For you shall live by every word that proceedeth forth from the mouth of God".

The promise the Lord makes is that miracles will come from following the Lord and his prophet with exactness. This is best taught in the home before the mission.

A second suggestion: Cleanliness is an important attribute of a successful missionary, for the Spirit cannot dwell in unclean places. Parents could teach their prospective missionaries to be clean and particularly how to clean an apartment. When inspections are done of missionary apartments, frequently we find a standard of cleanliness far below what is expected. They need to know how to clean bathtubs, showers and toilets (so they are white rather than yellow), how to clean a stove top with burners and drip pans, the importance of sweeping floors to avoid ants and cockroaches, cleaning old food out of the fridge and wiping up spills inside, washing shower curtains in hot water and bleach, and on and on.

Some missionaries are willing to do the work, but just haven't been taught how. Others are not willing to put forth the effort and it becomes a pattern in their missionary work and in their success as a missionary.

The third and last thing I would suggest to parents is to give their sons and daughters a true perspective of what a mission is. It is HARD WORK and LONG DAYS - days full of activities they are not used to. The first two weeks out of the MTC are a difficult adjustment and some new missionaries are ready to go home after just a few days. But if they can hang in there for two weeks and then stretch it to two months, they will adjust to the schedule and the hard work will become routine. If they are prepared to feel this way and know it is normal, chances might be greater they can push through the first rush of difficult adjustments.

A few Dos and Don'ts for Missionary Mom's supporting their son and daughters and advice for parents:

Every week in emails or letters, share encouragement to do 3 things, through a scripture or family story. Those three things would be:

1. Trust in the Lord and in his missionary purpose to search for, and find the souls who have been prepared to accept the gospel and be baptized.

2. Be completely obedient in order to gain the power to rescue, like President Monson calls missionary work.

3. Work with all your heart, might, mind, and strength. Nothing is accomplished without hard work.

It's great for missionaries to get news and pictures from home, but the fact is, it temporarily distracts them from the work and puts their minds in a different place. By providing those 3 things as encouragement in each email or letter, the missionary, and parents and also their family, can become a team in serving the Lord, rather than the family being a distraction.

Each time a group of new missionaries arrives, so does an influx of multiple pieces of mail for each new missionary. Just last week we delivered three large packages and ten letters to just one of the new elders. Many other new missionaries received multiple pieces of mail in just a matter of days. I couldn't help but wonder what was inside each box or envelope. Was it filled with things that would make the elder or sister homesick or things that would ease the transition into a new life. Sometimes we know within a couple of days without even eavesdropping. Support from home is so important - but the kind of support is even more important.

We are fairly new serving in this mission, but we've seen things that both alarm us and give us great hope. What we know is that this is the Lord's work; He is in charge and He is moving His work forward.

Sincerely,

A Current Mission President's wife

Thank you for "Advice from a Mission" and the private link. That was a good way to view it. I agree with what was stated. As I read the last few paragraphs it brought to my mind this talk by Elder L. Tom Perry, "Train Up a Child" from the 1988 October General Conference. What is interesting is that he gives 3 examples of parents putting off the training of their children to someone else: the nursery or Junior Sunday School/Primary, the doorstep of BYU and the mission field, "if I can only get my child on a mission, it will make up for those years when I have failed to teach him the principles of the gospel."

I've really appreciated all the advice from mission presidents' wives that you've sent of late. May I add something (please make it anonymous to keep my daughter safe)?

My daughter entered the MTC (not Provo) recently and in her latest letter she related a disturbing incident. One of the elders in her district (also new) had demonstrated a tendency to tell inappropriate jokes and use inappropriate language. Well, one day she realized that if she didn't speak up, no one else would. He said a foul word and she calmly reminded him that they were in a dedicated building and they needed to respect that by watching what they said. He became very angry and replied that he could say whatever he wanted and proceeded to do so in a loud voice. She repeated that they were in the Lord's building and if they wouldn't say words like that in front of the Lord, why would they say them in his house? She expressed to me that she felt words can drive away or bring the Spirit and she felt it was unfair to everyone in their district to say these things.

To me, this is indeed unfortunate that this occurred, but what happened next has left me worried and concerned.

My daughter chose then to return to her language studies and ignore the harsh words and insults that this elder continued to say. The sisters in her district later thanked her for speaking up, but the other elders began laughing because he had become so angry that they thought he was going to jump over his desk and attack my daughter. From what my daughter related (and she was not being critical of these other elders at all. This was something her father and I noticed), not one elder spoke in support of her nor did they request that the elder calm down and act respectfully.

They laughed.

Our daughter is our only daughter and she has four brothers, so she is not unused to boy bravado and machismo. She actually handles herself quite well in a testosterone-heavy environment with not much phasing her. This incident has made me think a lot about how I'm preparing my boys to serve alongside women in the church. Have their father and I done a good job conveying to them how important it is to treat women and girls respectfully regardless of the circumstance? Through their father's and my efforts to be good examples, do they recognize that women and girls are beloved daughters of God who should be treasured and appreciated for the Spirit and many gifts they bring to the Church, not demeaned or degraded? Do they recognize that the priesthood is not something men possess as an entitlement or as an indication of status, but that it is a privilege they will share with their spouses in order that they might be an instrument in the Lord's hands to bless the lives of their families and neighbors?

Do these elders who laughed at the whole situation recognize that these young women are far from the families and friends who have loved and protected them throughout their lives and that they have an obligation as priesthood holders to be mindful of these women's safety and wellbeing?

Given the many prominent news stories of late in which women have been victimized in various ways by both individuals and by institutions, it occurs to me that if we aren't teaching our young men to treat women and girls as the daughters of our Heavenly Father that they are, we could be facing some significant problems as more and more sister missionaries choose to serve. The potential consequences of bad behavior could be devastating-to the elder who might face discipline as a result of inappropriate actions toward a sister and certainly to the sister who is left with the aftermath of having been mistreated, perhaps even abused, while serving in a capacity that should be an uplifting experience.

A lot has been posted to the email groups concerning the importance of teaching our children how to clean up after themselves, work hard, develop self-discipline, and commit to the Lord's work. These are certainly important issues. However, it's even more important to teach them the interpersonal skills that will allow them to work successfully with others, whether elder or sister, in a mutually-respectful environment. While our family has discussed these issues in the past, my husband and I have decided that we will be having a series of FHEs and dinner talks regarding the principles of respect, compassion, and showing Christ-like love for others. We plan to be frank with our boys regarding our expectations for their behavior and demeanor towards all women and girls. Because to be honest, if one of my boys acted as one of these elders, whether it be the elder who lost his temper with a sister or the elders who stood by and laughed while it happened, I would be horrified, ashamed, and wondering how I had failed to teach my sons basic civility and courtesy. I sincerely hope that my boys will grow up to be the kind of men who have the courage and strength of character to intervene. Certainly, I hope they will have the courage to recognize when they have erred and immediately resolve to take responsibility for their error through repentance, rather than becoming angry.

Thanks so much,

MM A.C.

[Editor: Two thoughts:

1. Regarding the line above, "They laughed" - If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Think of those other elders who by their inaction were giving consent to how the rogue missionary was acting.
2. Our eldest son worked at a local sandwich shop. One day while at work, a young couple came in, and while they waited for their sandwiches, the young man began to verbally berate and abuse his girlfriend. Our son jumped over the counter, landed on the young man and pinning him to the floor let him know in no uncertain terms that if he did that in my son's presence, he would lose more than his pride at being nailed to the floor again. My sweetheart and I are proud that all 5 of our sons did all they could while growing up to protect women, especially their two sisters and their mother. I, as their father, didn't put up with my sons ever treating their mother disrespectfully, and on at least one or two occasions picked up my nearly grown teenaged sons and put them out of the room where they were bad-mouthing their sweet mother. No, Mothers don't teach respect for women. Dads do, and they better do it often, consistently, and firmly, yet showing love and concern afterwards.]